Well, I think it’s safe to say it’s been, shall we say, eventful since I landed on NZ shores eight months ago. Hell, it’s been a bloody eventful year-and-a-bit ever since I decided on a whim to move to the other side of the world last year.
You probably all know by now that the reason I decided to come here in the first place is no longer in the picture, and so my New Zealand life is not really turning out anything like I probably imagined, but to be honest that’s no bad thing. For the first time since I got here I finally feel like me again, and I’m living a life that is mine, not a hybrid of someone else’s and a poor attempt by me to try to settle in.
I’m properly happy again and can at last start settling into my New Zealand life, after what’s been the hardest year for me mentally. I kind of wish I’d kept a diary since I’ve moved here but to be honest most of the time I’ve just been trying to get through each day one at a time.
Having to deal with massive change in every area of my life all at once was just that little bit trying. Note the heavy sarcasm here; it was actually fucking horrific. Moving to a new country where you feel like a fish out of water, dealing with a break up and losing the one person you could turn to/depend on, having to find a new place to live, not having a car, not having much money after not working for 5 months, having to start a new job (in a country where you have no idea how it all works), worrying about sorting out a new visa, all with virtually no physical support network as you’ve not made many friends (or most of your friends are very new and you don’t want to be a burden).
It’s been shit. You can be the most positive person in the world, in the most beautiful place but can still be blindsided and it takes time to deal with all this stuff. I’ve had to try to figure out what I actually want to do, rather than feeling like I have to do something because it was tied to someone else. This wasn’t just the relationship stuff, in fact that was probably the smallest bit, it’s more the fact that my entire life, my being in this country, had been flipped on it’s head and I struggled to get my head around it all and decide what the best course of action was.
I’m not ashamed to say that I leant heavily on people, and I couldn’t have done without the help. I kind of wish I hadn’t had to but I’ve come to realise that it’s human nature, it’s how we work. Family, community, friendships and love, it’s how we thrive and survive. Sometimes it’s not until the shit hits the fan that you realise how fucking brilliant people are, so thank you – to everyone, for everything.
I’ve also learnt a fair bit, and really tried to be kind and gentle on myself, although the subconcious brain “let’s give Tara a hard time because I’m finding it hard or haven’t got over it as quick as I would want” has also kicked in at times but I’m learning to override the master switch.
I’ve wallowed, let all the emotions out and [hopefully] dealt with them, not surpress them to give me even more baggage for the future like an over-laden donkey.
Now time to really make the most of the opportunties. Life goes on, and this one will be bright, I’ll make sure of it. It won’t always be easy, but it will be an adventure.
What is life without risks? Life is what you make it, there is no success or fail really.
The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.
I absolutely have no regrets; my life has taken another path right now and who knows where this one will lead to, but for me that’s the exciting part.