Continued from Part Five…
It was kinda perfect, and not really a surprise. I mean, going on holiday with your ex who you split up with because of timing and not lack of feelings? Probably not going to stay platonic.
But he was adamant he hadn’t expected this. Insistent he hadn’t come over with any intentions. Do I believe him? I don’t know. Instinctively, yes, because to do otherwise indicates a lack of trust. You can only go on what people tell you, and that’s what he said. His actions could lead me to think otherwise, but what’s the point of analysing and drawing a different conclusion? It doesn’t change anything.
Time was drawing closer to have The Talk. If there’s one thing I’d learnt from our previous time together it was that I needed to make sure I left nothing unsaid and that I was honest, both with myself and him. The only thing I expected from him was the same.
I didn’t expect him to declare his undying love and make plans to immediately move to New Zealand.
And he didn’t.
Did I want him to? Yes.
“I’ve had a great time, and I think a lot of you, but I know I don’t want a relationship with you.” He said, after I’d told him how I’d felt.
That felt like a punch in the gut. Really? REALLY?
For fucks sake.
It felt at odds with the things he’d said and how he’d behaved in the last week. I felt used and hurt. I sat alone at the side of the lake, staring at the mountains trying to make sense of it. It was just missing some sad piano music playing in the background for the perfect shit moment soundtrack.
He came and joined me.
“Why?” I asked. “Why what?” he replied.
“Why don’t you want a relationship with me?”
“You’ll think it’s stupid. And you’ll tell me that it can be overcome.”
Turns out the only reasons were one, it would involve one of us moving countries which could put pressure on a relationship (yep, I understand, but also know all about that) and two, he didn’t want the risk of me getting hurt (well no shit sherlock, any relationship carries that risk). He said if he was listening to his heart he’d throw his passport in the lake and stay here with me.
Easy to say when you’re sat in holiday mode with the sun on your face.
It made me feel a bit better but still frustrating, because I’m one that goes with my heart first and works out the practicalities second, so it still felt like a shitty excuse. He didn’t want much to talk about how those practical things can be dealt with.
It was clear he needed to go home and think about things. I’d been in his position; I knew how it felt. But as much as I wanted him to be with me, I knew that he probably actually needed to be alone for a bit. He was where I was a few years ago. I told him he should think about working on figuring out what he wanted for himself first. I told him that above all, I just want him to be happy, and to be honest with himself.
I want to be with someone that chooses to be with me, that doesn’t have to think twice or weigh things up, and I knew at that moment, and in the few weeks afterwards, that it wasn’t him. Or wasn’t him right now.
Because you know what? You can’t make people feel things they don’t. You can choose what you’ll accept though. I can’t settle.
It’s hard though. It’s hard not to blame yourself. To wonder what you lack, what’s wrong with you, why can’t they feel the way you want them to? But sometimes that’s just the way it is. It’s not you, it’s them.
He wanted to stay in contact, wanted us to stay friends, wanted me to be a part of his life. He couldn’t promise anything for the future, whether that was us together or not. I couldn’t though. Not for a while. I need to protect myself and not live in limbo land.
I told him he needs to go do his own thing for a bit. To put himself first and figure out what he wants from life.
What’s that saying? When you love someone, let them go?
So I did.