A year in people #78(3) – A

Continued from Part Two

“What would you say to us going out? Like properly? I want to be with you.”

It was a quandry. I didn’t really want to go out with anyone. But I loved being with him.

“Why can’t we just keep it as it is? Enjoy it for what it is. I’m moving away soon, you know it’s not going to go anywhere.”

“I’d be willing to travel. It’s worth it. You’re worth it. Stop seeing the other guy, and let’s give it a go. What do you say?”

I paused.

“I can’t.”

I just couldn’t. 

I wasn’t ready. We were at different, separate points in our lives.

He told me he couldn’t just carry on how we were and cancelled some plans we’d made. I understood. It hurt, but I understood. We agreed to still be friends though, because underneath it all, we really got on. We had a laugh, we cared about each other and enjoyed each other’s company massively.

Friends didn’t last long.

The physical attraction was huge. We sprung back to that rather nicely. I took it to be that we’d carry on until I moved away, to just enjoy being together for a last few weeks. Put no pressure on it to be any more than it was.

I could tell something was up. He wasn’t himself a couple of weeks before I was due to leave.

“I’ve been on online dating, and I went a date with someone. I want to see where it goes, so I can’t see you anymore.”

“Oh.”

I literally felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. OK, so I couldn’t really talk, but still, surely he could have waited just a couple more weeks? I felt betrayed by the lack of transparency, the timing of his dating felt like a lack of respect. I hadn’t even left yet, and he’s already lining up someone else. I felt like I could have been anyone, easily replaced, despite him telling me differently when we were together. All his words from when we were together felt empty and false.

He was surprised I was upset; he’d convinced himself it didn’t matter and that I didn’t care. I faced up to what I’d known; I did have feelings for him, but that I was confused. I didn’t know what I wanted.

Until it was nearly gone, out of my grasp.

I sent him a long message. I explained how I felt, and how I was scared. Scared of a relationship, scared of ‘settling down’, scared I’d have to give up the life I wanted to create. I told him how maybe, just maybe we could look at how it could work. That I didn’t want to lose him and what we had, or lose my friend. Because I realised that whenever you go from friends to lovers, you can very rarely go back. I told him I’d be willing to give it a go. I put my heart, my feelings and my soul out there.

I felt sick as I waited for the reply.

“It’s too late.”

 

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