My 40th year – June (month #2)

This month’s do-something-good-for-myself was a spot of counselling. It came about after a stressful work environment in my previous job had left me feeling like I’d been through the wringer (and then some).

I’ve not had as much counselling/therapy in life as I probably should. I wish I’d seen someone after I got divorced. My ex-husband and I tried couples counselling, but we only went 3 times; it was a total disaster. The first session he was so angry because the chap didn’t agree with anything he said, the second time was actually OK and he at least sat and listened, and we learnt some communication tricks (not that we ever put them into practice, mind) and the third session he spent the entire time trying to get the counsellor to agree that I was a terrible bitch. We both agreed it probably wasn’t helping us, he admitted he only wanted to go so it would fix us, and when he realised I wouldn’t change my mind he wasn’t interested. We didn’t go again.

I suggested he should go to individual counselling as it might help him come to terms with things, he told me no, I was clearly the one that had issues and needed help, not him. I got defensive and told him, and myself, that I didn’t have issues. So I didn’t go.

Of course now I realise I did have issues. I do have issues. We all have ‘issues’, it’s called life. As much as I thought I was ‘alright, totally in control and dealing with it’, having someone independent to talk to, especially someone trained in being able to direct the conversation and offer tools and coping strategies, would have been invaluable and probably spared me some questionable decisions in the last ten years. But, better late than never.

The first couple of sessions started out very work focused, but we’ve delved into everything. I’ve done a hell of a lot of emotional work over the years, but she’s been able to help me look at some ‘echos’ I have where events are triggering some specific feelings. She picks up on the words and language I use and we explore where it all comes from. It’s actually fascinating and I really enjoy the sessions, although they take up some brain power. I run to and from the sessions to help process it all.

I’ll keep going until I don’t think it’s of benefit anymore, and I’ve no idea when that’ll be. Right now I’m finding having a totally independent listening ear, who asks insightful questions, absolutely wonderful.

I have a lot to talk about.

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