Post-meltdown musings

It’s been a month since I had a bit of a meltdown. I wrote a post a week afterwards, but I never published it. At that time I was feeling vulnerable, emotional, and tired and so instead chose to retreat and look after myself by indulging in some TLC and time out. I’m sharing it now (below), because it’s part of the story.

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For some reason, saying meltdown rather than breakdown feels better. Less drastic, less impactive, less serious. 

I question why I want this change of term. I guess I feel a little foolish. It all seems a bit dramatic now, now that time and space have settled a bit. It seems like a bad dream, something that maybe didn’t happen, and perhaps I can pretend I imagined it. 

But I know I’m only kidding myself.

Still being in lockdown means I’m living in a kind of suspended-reality, which has been quite welcome after last weekend. All I really have to do each day is work, eat, exercise and sleep. I have the same routine, day in, day out. Normally this would drive me crazy, but right now it’s very welcome. I don’t have to make any decisions or put any thought or effort in. Which is how I know I’m kidding myself. This isn’t like me. 

I just know that right now, I’m not wanting to add anything extra to my headspace because I just can’t deal with it. I won’t be able to give it the attention it needs, or think logically or rationally. It’s not a case of if I pretend hard enough, or ignore it, I don’t have to deal with it. No, I just need some time out. Really, I know I could do with a few months off, but that’s not an option right now.

Instead, I’m going to enjoy the ‘freedom’ that the lockdown has brought – the freedom from having to think about anything outside of this very moment right here, right now.

I’ve had lots of people get in touch, which has been really nice. I’ve felt quite alone the past few weeks, and it’s easily done when life and a pandemic gets in the way for everyone, as well as living the other side of the world to a lot of my people. Social media sometimes takes the place of getting in touch personally, but then we all assume the other people are following so they know how we are. It’s not the case. How well do you know how people are really doing?

I had someone tell me they were shocked that I was feeling like this, because I’m the ‘brave, strong, inspirational friend’. 

But I’m human. Oh so very human.

There’s a saying “just because you carry it well, doesn’t mean it’s not heavy”.

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I’m pretty good at knowing what I need, but I’m less good at asking for it from other people. That’s a work in progress. Thanks to everyone who’s reached out, it means a lot. ❤