Welcome home

There’s been quite a few occasions I’ve come to start to write this post, and I’ve given up. Sometimes because I have no words, sometimes because I’m not sure to write, and sometimes because I’m just exhausted.

It’s because there’s been so much going on.

The other week, a few days after I got home, I sat on my big yellow chair and just started at the wall. After a while Ben looked up from his laptop, noticed me just sat there staring into space, and said, ‘are you OK?’

‘Not really,’ I said.

I felt so overwhelmed. It just hit me how much change, and ‘stuff’ I was dealing with. Again.

I’d just got back from nearly 3 months away to a house I’d only lived in for a few weeks. The garden was a jungle, and there was all these jobs I’d left until ‘I got back’. A.k.a put off, and I was now realising I’d actually have to do them. My to do list was continuously growing.

I was exhausted from being in so many places and seeing so many people in a short space of time. The emotional toll of seeing and then saying goodbye to people I love was pretty hefty.

Ben was there and we were getting used to being together in person, and we were spending the whole of my first week back together. I loved it, and at the same time was also overwhelmed by my feelings. They felt so strong for someone I’d spent more time with virtually than in person.

My Dad was critically ill in intensive care. He’d fallen ill unexpectedly just as I left the UK, and was taken into hospital while I was in Canada. I didn’t know whether I’d be having to look at flights back to the UK just after I’d left. I didn’t really have the money, or the time – I didn’t have any holiday allowance, having not yet even started my new job. I’d be at the end of the phone, anxiously waiting for updates from my brother. My heart would pound when I’d look at my phone each morning, not knowing what I’d read. There were days where each day brought worse news. I’d dread the phone ringing, living on a permanent edge.

I was about to start a new job. The usual thing of needing to have that new job energy – be at the top of your game. Be reliable. Be the person they’d interviewed. I felt so far from that.

So yeah, it’s going well. <sarcastic laugh>

Obviously I just want to retreat into a hole and pretend I’m not an adult with any responsibilities, but that’s not really an option. So it’s the usual look after myself, lean on people and try to keep it together as much as possible. I’d say it’s working 90% of the time but my capacity for pretty much everything is definitely reduced, so please don’t expect too much from me right now.

Published by Paps

I love running, writing, travel and adventure. I'll give anything a go once, and am always up for a laugh.

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